Oh, Deer: "13th Child" (2002)

Southern New Jersey is the location of a scourge that was sweeping the country, maiming everyone in its path- microbudget horror films shot on video.

New Jersey state attorney general Murphy (Lesley-Anne Down) sends underling Kathryn (Michelle Maryk) on an assignment. Twenty years earlier, Murphy's father was lost in the woods while looking for local mythic monster "The Jersey Devil" with his police partner Riley (Robert Guillaume), who went nuts after that night and now mutilated body parts are turning up in the woods today. The Jersey Devil has been in the woods for over two hundred years, the thirteenth child of a shaman who is avenging his death using shape-shifting abilities. Kathryn meets with park ranger Ron (Christopher Atkins) and NYPD cop on special duty Mitch (Gano Grills). Kathryn and Ron may have been involved once, but that subplot is not pursued. They visit with the mysterious Mr. Stroud (Cliff Robertson), who knows more about the Jersey Devil than he is letting on. Kathryn conducts her investigation as local townsfolk end up killed, or scared out of their minds at seeing the giant creature lurking in the woods.

Oscar winner Cliff Robertson? former teen heartthrob Christopher Atkins? Emmy winner Robert Guillaume? Golden Globe nominee Lesley-Anne Down? What are these name actors doing in this goofy slop? Robertson's name is also on the writing credits, let's hope he was not responsible for Stroud's sleep-inducing conversations with Kathryn. The writers may have thought Stroud's ability to quote from the dictionary was menacing or eccentric, but it's dumb. Atkins as Ron is not given anything to do since he is a supporting character to Maryk's Kathryn. Robert Guillaume is at a loss as Riley. The screenwriters jump back and forth in time, which confuses the viewer. Has Riley been locked away in the asylum all along? Why does the Devil choose now to kill all these people? The gore effects are okay, some of them are real. According to the end credits, actual roadkill deer were used in many scenes. How would you like to be that guy on set?: "Okay, Ted, put a hook through the dead animal's haunches, then tear the carcass in half, and baggie up the innards for the next shot..." The direction is okay for shot-on-video- the Devil itself looks like a walking coat rack, and the directors wisely keep the monster in the dark through the whole film. The number of false endings is ridiculous, there is even dialogue over the final credits.

The scariest aspect of this film (full title: "13th Child: The Legend of the Jersey Devil Volume 1") was the threat of a Volume 2 that never materialized. Stay out of the southern New Jersey pine woods, and stay away from this film. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "13th Child" on Amazon here*