Check, Please: "Alice's Restaurant" (1969)

A splash for the hippie movement when this was released, "Alice's Restaurant" is a sometimes interesting but silly curio.

The plot is almost nonexistent. Arlo Guthrie plays himself, as he hooks up with old friends Ray (James Broderick) and Alice (Patricia Quinn) in a small town in Massachusetts. Ray and Alice take in scores of teens and societal drop-outs, giving them a place to stay and eat, and ask for nothing in return. Their good faith is put to the test when heroin addict Shelly (Michael McClanathan) is released from Bellevue in New York City. He sleeps with Alice, and her relationship with her husband unravels. This subplot plays like a weak soap opera episode. Guthrie has problems of his own, waiting for his famous father's (played by Joseph Boley) inevitable death, and finally meeting the girl of his dreams. The melancholy ending is supposed to mark a new beginning, but the final shot lets us know otherwise.

Maybe hippie movies just ain't my bag, man. With all the pot smoking and free love, I could not warm up to any of the characters. Alice has a meltdown in her restaurant when no one wants to help her but I could not help but feel she was throwing a tantrum on par with that of a toddler's, not suffering a nervous breakdown with accompanying mental trauma. Everyone is so over the top, you may find yourself "suggesting" things to the characters- like getting a haircut and stop smoking the wacky weed. Guthrie, on the other hand, proves acting is not his strong suit. He only seems to come alive during "The Alice's Restaurant Massacre" scene, as he sings about illegally dumping garbage, and the following police action. How this minor run-in with the law holds up his draft physical is hilarious, and I wish more of the film had been along these lines. Instead, director Penn shoots and edits in a haphazard way, resulting in haphazard interest from the viewer. Oddly enough, for being such a hippie youth film, director and co-writer Penn was almost fifty when he made this. When Penn gets it right, he really gets it right. The final shot is heartbreaking, he has an incredible scene at a snowy funeral, and the comic timing of the song is perfect. Sadly, these great moments are just that- a few moments in a 111 minute film that feels twice as long.

Eventually, the hoopla and praise has outlived a film that was very topical decades ago, and very difficult today. Skip "Alice's Restaurant," and eat in. (* 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Alice's Restaurant" on Amazon here*

Darn Those French Teachers and Their Hidden Agendas!: "Alice in Acidland" (1969)

This simple black and white quasi-documentary is full of softcore sex and illicit narcotics, and is absolutely hilarious. This review contains spoilers.

There is no cast or crew credited onscreen in the version I saw. Alice (Sheri Jackson) and Kathy (Janice Kelly) are typical Los Angeles high school teens who are invited to a pool party by the French teacher Frieda (Julia Blackburn). At the party, more male teachers take advantage of Kathy while Alice goes for a bath with Frieda. Well, that did it. Now Alice is a full blown hippie, picking up pot in Sunset Strip gas stations, and hanging out with adults. Alice recruits virgin Betsy to go to yet another party, where she is assaulted by a man known as "Animal" (Roger Gentry). Meanwhile, Frieda gives Alice a sugar cube soaked in LSD, and Alice trips out. We find out Alice's best friend, Janice, had taken acid and hung herself. The drug was provided by a "known lesbian" named Sheila, and Alice's trip features both women, lots of lights, and cheap film effects. The ominous narration by director Donn Greer tells us Alice is now a mental vegetable, forever living in the summer of love.

Why the skimpy plot? The film is only sixty minutes. The two main party scenes feature sex scenes that are at least ten minutes long. Alice's initial trip takes a whopping fifteen minutes of screen time. The high schoolers here all look twenty-four. The male teachers all look like entertainment reporters, with their slacks hiked up to their nipples. Blaming the entire LSD market in Los Angeles on a couple of lesbians is hilarious. The film is black and white, so it is difficult to associate with Alice's trippy statement that she can taste colors. The film ends almost as quickly as it begins, and I was exhausted.

Why am I recommending this? It is hilarious. The film makers tried to make an anti-drug statement, but really had a ready made excuse to show a LOT of sex and nudity. Never have drugs seemed so fun! I always wonder what happened to the casts and crews of these types of films. Retired housewives and career women somewhere must cringe whenever someone asks them what they did in 1968. I hope you like narration, there is no dialogue in the entire film. One question: how can Alice narrate some of the scenes when she is a "mental vegetable"? "Alice in Acidland" is badly shot and badly acted. It is seriously disturbed, boring, and cheap. I also enjoyed watching it more than some Oscar winners of that time period. If you like exploitation and anti-drug films, this is your cup of spiked punch. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Alice in Acidland" on Amazon here*

Cold and Barren: "Alaska" (1996)

Charlton Heston's son directs his father in a sweeping epic of beautiful scenery and impressive action sequences, all squelched by one of the lamest scripts ever shot.

Jake (Dirk Benedict) is a delivery pilot in the Alaskan frontier. He is also widowed, trying to raise bratty and bitter son Sean (Vincent Kartheiser) and cute and vapid Jessie (Thora Birch). They just moved from Chicago, and Sean hates the beautiful countryside so much he wishes his father dead. Jake accidentally almost fulfills that prophecy, flying into a storm and crashing his small plane on a cliff's edge. Jake's partner Charlie (Ben Cardinal) flies rescue missions, but cannot find Jake, who flew off course. Stubborn Sean and wilderness-smart Jessie decide to take off and find him themselves. Also in the woods are poachers Perry (Charlton Heston) and Koontz (Duncan Fraser). They kill a mother polar bear and kidnap its cub, hoping to sell it in Hong Kong. Our intrepid child heroes stumble on Perry's camp, steal his cigarette lighter- the little rapscallions forgot matches- and release the bear cub. The film then settles into a lethargic routine- Sean and Jessie hike on, the bear cub follows them, Perry and Koontz follow the bear cub, and Charlie buzzes around overhead in a chopper looking for the kids. Will Dad be found? Will the climax involve lots of dangling and yelling? Will Perry and Koontz get their comeuppance? Does Cubby the cub play a vital role in the rescue of the humans? Have you ever seen any other movie before?

From the opening shots, Fraser Heston has some simply grand-looking scenic shots. The Alaskan, and British Columbian, mountains are gorgeous. Even in exterior dialogue shots, my eye would wander to the mountains and forest in the background. However, pretty pictures do not a good film make. You will want to club Sean like a baby seal ten seconds after he opens his mopey sullen mouth. I wish Jake had flown him over the North Pole and kicked his whiny butt out. I hated him. Poor Thora Birch plays Jessie. Jessie is not a character. Jessie is the sister who knows more about kayaking than Sean. That is her entire reason for being in this film. Charlton Heston's Perry stands around holding a hunting rifle and waxing poetic about man's internal struggle to control nature, but this is no character, either. He is merely a villain. All the characters can be summed up in one shallow sentence each, even the bear cub.

Wonderful scenery and an awful script- that is "Alaska" in a nutshell. Instead of underestimating the brain power of the children and families they were writing for, the film makers should have given them, and us, some credit. (*) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Alaska" on Amazon here*

Alarmed: "The Alarmist" (1997)

Tommy (David Arquette) is a young and naive home security alarm salesman taken under the wing of Heinrich (Stanley Tucci). Tommy is a golden boy, scoring a big sale on his first call- to widow Gale (Kate Capshaw) and her dopey son Howard (Ryan Reynolds). Things are going well for Tommy- he is appearing in commercials for the security firm and he is falling in love with Gale, but then Heinrich and his right-hand woman Sally (Mary McCormack) let him in on a little secret, they sometimes break into the houses of their clients in order to scare them and to get their neighbors to buy security systems from the firm. Tommy decides not to get involved, taking Gale to meet his family, and going through life with a goofy smile on his face. Something happens that drives Tommy over the edge, and the climax has him holding a gun to his boss' head.

Based on a stage play, "The Alarmist" is not opened up well. The scenes where Tommy takes Gale to meet his parents are badly played and completely unfunny. They are also out of line with the character Capshaw is playing, as Gale gets drunk and tells sexually explicit stories to Tommy's mom (Michael Learned). Other than these scenes, Capshaw is not given much to do, but she does a lot with the little she is given. Stanley Tucci is a riot as the security firm owner. He is a creep who really does not understand Tommy's moral revulsion, but when he turns into a sniveling whiner after Arquette kidnaps him, he is hilarious. Mary McCormack seems to have been groomed for a bigger role, but she mostly stands around and agrees with Tucci. Ryan Reynolds is too old to play a dumb teenager, but he is funny, especially telling his own explicit sexual story to Arquette. The screenplay lurches from romantic comedy to dark comedy too soon. Capshaw meeting the parents is completely unmotivated, except to give her a reason to get out of town so someone can break into her house. Capshaw and Reynolds are in the film just to give Arquette a reason to take revenge on Tucci. Arquette, who has proven he is a good bad actor, is awful here. He relies on the constipated mugging that got him through too many other projects, and he is not a strong enough presence to build this weak film around. Actually, Reynolds might have been a better choice in the role. Dunsky's direction is good, nothing that will win an Oscar soon. Christophe Beck's light jazzy score recalls the type of film noir this film tries to be, and it is really catchy on top of that.

Despite the pluses, Arquette's failure as a lead and the script's schizophrenic quality sinks "The Alarmist." Also known as "Life During Wartime." (* *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Alarmist" on Amazon here*

One of the Greatest Lead Performances Ever Put on Film: "Agony: The Life and Death of Rasputin" (1981)

This Russian language film serves as a triumph in film acting, with Aleksey Petrenko not just playing the mad monk Rasputin, but channeling and becoming him.

The prologue provides background about this mysterious man who came from Siberia. He attempted to heal the Czar's hemophiliac son, and wedged himself into the royal family, eventually given unlimited access to decision making. He claimed to have visions, and advised the royals as to their next moves. All of this was happening during World War I, and on the eve of the Russian Revolution. Eventually, the Czar's enemies decide to kill Rasputin, and in one of the most absurd murders ever committed, and then put on film, they find poison does not work.

Alexei Petrenko is excellent as Rasputin. He has straggly hair, a patchy long beard, and the same piercing stare that apparently wooed the ladies of the time. Rasputin sinned and sinned and sinned, all in the name of purging his own demons at the request of God. He was truly insane, and Petrenko brings that out right away. We do not see a gradual slide into mental illness, Rasputin was this way right off the bat. Too bad the royal family was blinded by faith and not reason. The conspiracy to kill Rasputin is a little confused, as we see a group of men plan and execute, but it is never clear who is who. The Czar himself is doubtful of Rasputin's divine advice, but follows his orders anyway, resulting in a bloodbath of his troops at the hands of the Germans. The Czar's behavior here is muddled, and the film makers do not clear it up. The direction by Klimov is wonderful. He shows Rasputin's own madness, as scenes shift from color to black and white, then back again. A terrifying scene involves Rasputin's ambush by the Orthodox Church, who trap him with the singing voice of a pretty girl- a perfect scene. This is subtitled, but nothing is lost in the translation. Petrenko becomes Rasputin without resorting to theatrical tricks and showy acting. He was not looking for film awards, he was looking to bring one of history's most infamous men back to life briefly. The video version I saw runs 107 minutes, but IMDB has listings for the film at over two and a half hours.

If anything, more story and Petrenko would be enlightening, but I am completely happy with this version for now. Also known as "Agoniya," "Agony," and "Rasputin." (* * * * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Agony: The Life and Death of Rasputin" on Amazon here*

Die Under Hard Siege Onboard Crimson October Red Tide: "Agent Red" (2000)

In the film's opening scenes, Special Ops soldier (yes, another one) Matt (Dolph Lundgren) and crew steal a Stealth fighter from a bunch of long haired soldiers in an unnamed jungle. This has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie, it is just a teaser, much like the James Bond films. Any comparison between Matt Hendricks and James Bond ends here, however.

There is a deadly viral toxin nerve gas thingy called Agent Red. It will kill anyone it comes into contact with in a matter of minutes. The U.S. developed it in the 1950's, the U.S.S.R. stole it, but now Russia wants to give it back to the U.S. in a drawn out military maneuver that can only happen in bad films like this. The Americans take the Agent Red aboard the submarine New Orleans, commanded by Russett or Russert, depending on the misspelled credits. The commander is played by Steve Eastin, whose character right away tells everyone this is his last mission before retiring- I will now take bets as to how long he lasts in the film. Matt is assigned onboard with his ex-fiancee Linda (Meilani Paul). The sub is then taken over by Russian terrorists led by Kretz (Alexander Kuznetsov) and Nadia (Natalie Radford). They release the virus onboard, killing everyone but their fellow terrorists and Matt and Linda. Luckily, Matt took the antidote before boarding, and Linda is spared so she can tell the world how dangerous Agent Red is. The terrorists plan to launch Agent Red filled missiles at New York City and Moscow. We then get a lot of stock footage of other submarine films spliced together with a bored Lundgren going through the motions of rescuing Linda and trying to stop the terrorists while the New Orleans' own escort ships start firing on the sub. Toss in tons of editing mistakes with the stock footage (is that Andrew Stevens?), and watch for the shocking Russian-made video of the virus in action- all the Russians conveniently speak English.

Dolph Lundgren acts like he couldn't care less about this acting assignment, again. He throws his lines out, perhaps sensing how lame they are. He should have been a great action hero, it is a shame he is not. The rest of the cast go through the motions of their "characters," also perhaps sensing how lame this film is going to be. The interiors of the New Orleans look like yet another straight-to-video power plant set, how many subs have cement walls? Everyone fires automatic weapons as if breaching a hull were of no concern. Lundgren and Paul run around and bicker like two lovers who will soon reunite. No one ever seems to run out of ammo unless it is time for a one liner from our hero, and all of our military technology never seems to work at crucial moments. To pad the running time, the film makers added an end credits sequence with small clips of the cast, right down to minor supporting characters, with their names sometimes misspelled.

"Agent Red" had me seeing red. It is sloppy and uninspired, as if no one really wanted to do this. You have seen this moldy story line a hundred times before, why bother with one more? I wish I hadn't. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Agent Red" on Amazon here*

Age May Not Be Everything But a Coherent Film Is: "Age Isn't Everything" (1991)

Jonathan Silverman, he of some of the worst films ever made, proves he is a good actor who has made some bad choices.

Here, he is Seymour, a young man who is obsessed with becoming an astronaut. His parents, Max (Paul Sorvino) and Rita (Rita Moreno), let Seymour move back home after college. He goes into business to make his parents happy, but still regrets not following his dreams. As Max and Rita grow impatient with Seymour around the house all the time, Seymour wakes up a few times one night with the urge to urinate. In the morning, he limps into the kitchen, hacking and coughing and speaking like an old Jewish man. Suddenly, he has aged inside while his physical appearance does not change. Seymour's grandparents (Robert Prosky and Rita Karin) suddenly have more in common with their twenty-something grandson than they realized since these two bicker, waiting for death. Seymour goes to doctors and shrinks, who diagnose him with an aging disorder that has put his body at approximately eighty three years old. Seymour blames God, and tries to get bar mitzvahed again. The rabbi refuses. He visits a clinic where they have the technology to record a patient's dreams and play them on a video recorder- I am not making this up. Just as he is about to receive help, the clinic is closed for tax delinquency. As Seymour careens toward death, he buys a cemetery plot. His friends do not know what to do with him, his parents resent him as their marriage falls apart, and he even manages to distance his grandparents. The climax does not satisfy an already impatient viewer.

Annoying. Jonathan Silverman is likable, handsome, and has screen charisma. The minute he turns into an old Jewish man, I wished the merciful angel of death would visit immediately. He toddles around, and I hated him. Moreno and Sorvino are completely miscast as his parents. Prosky scores some nice scenes, and is almost unrecognizable as Grandpa Irving. Douglas Katz directs his own script, but this is not a light and fluffy body switch comedy along the lines of "Big" or "18 Again!". Katz tries to turn this into an artsy think piece, and any humor he tries in the first half of the film is jettisoned in favor of morbid humor in the second half. For a comedy, I only laughed once- when Seymour pushes a wheelchair bound old woman down a hill. More wicked humor like this would have helped. Instead, there is a running gag about doctors inserting their fingers into his butt that never made me crack (ha!) a smile. By the time the senseless ending rolled, I came to hate every character here.

Watching this movie was a chore, and I am a lesser person for it. This is one of those films that was released on VHS, but never made it to disc (as of this writing)- I wonder why?

*Get a physical copy of "Age Isn't Everything" on Amazon here*

Attica! Attica!: "Against the Wall" (1994)

While "Against the Wall" is not perfect, I am willing to guarantee it is better than ninety percent of the number one box office movies that have opened in its year of release.

Set in 1971, Kyle MacLachlan plays Michael Smith, a new guard at New York's Attica Correctional Facility. His father, Hal (Harry Dean Stanton), recently retired as a guard there after twenty five years and now runs a bar, but Michael's uncle Ed (Tom Bower) is still a guard. Michael has skipped from job to job and looks to make this his career, ready to support his pregnant wife Sharon (Anne Heche). Things are not good from the beginning. While Michael is no bleeding heart, he can still spot prisoner neglect. The inmates are treated like animals, and Michael's entire orientation and training consist of taking barked orders from guard supervisor Welsbad (Frederic Forrest). Things begin to come to a head, with everything going to hell because of a can of soup. Prisoner Chaka (Clarence Williams III) is cooking soup in his cell with an illegal device, is caught, and throws the food in guard's face. The prison store will sell soup, but no way to heat and eat it. The prisoners revolt and take a cell block, and the ill-prepared guards are in their path. One guard is beaten until near death, and the rest of the guards are taken hostage in the yard, where all the inmates have gathered. One of the cooler heads among the inmates is Jamaal X (Samuel L. Jackson). Jamaal wants to keep the guards alive and use them as bargaining chips to negotiate with. Jamaal has also been the victim of guard cruelty, and his back and forth between intelligent dialogue and a burning anger in his face is the stuff of great acting.

John Frankenheimer was a great film maker. He had his share of duds, but at least he made some good, strong films. This ranks up there with many of his successes. My complaints about the film? I wish we could have found out more about Jamaal. While the film is obviously told from Michael's point of view, I wanted more of a balance between these two men. Catch phrases like "power to the people," "getting back to Africa," and "Black Panthers" are tossed around but never come into any sort of context because of this lack of insight into Jamaal. The entire cast is excellent. Anne Heche is given a great role to play, never making Sharon wishy-washy nor too strong. Her only concern is her husband, and Heche is believable. While some of the roles are obvious villains, Frankenheimer keeps everyone reined in and does not let one actor overshadow another. Jackson and MacLachlan's final scenes are strong, but they do step into melodrama with one hand hold.

"Against the Wall" is a brutally violent film. The Attica riot changed some things about prison life in the United States today, but there is always room for improvement, as the closing credits let us know. This is not perfect, but it is eye opening. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Against the Wall" on Amazon here*

Mild Objections: "Against Her Will: An Incident in Baltimore" (1992)

Walter Matthau returns as frumpy lawyer Harmon Cobb in this mild sequel to "The Incident."

Cobb, his dead son's wife Billie (Susan Blakely), and granddaughter Nancy (Ariana Richards) move to Baltimore so Cobb can join the one man law firm run by Judge Stoddard Bell (Harry Morgan). Bell gives Cobb everything he needs- a new car, a house, furniture, but no work. The money is fine, but Cobb finds himself arguing boring federal cases and begins thinking about moving back to Colorado. He is approached by Michael (Bruce Kirkpatrick) to take on a different case. Michael's fiancee, Marika (Bridgit Ryan), is being held in the state hospital. She has been declared insane, and is being treated by a prominent psychiatrist. The problem is the psychiatrist has Marika admit herself into this country's version of Bedlam, and Cobb cannot sue the state due to sovereign immunity. Bell doesn't want Cobb to take the case and rock the comfortable boat the two have going. On top of this, Billie begins dating Jack (Brian Kerwin), and Cobb cannot let go of the memories of his dead son. Billie and Nancy move out, and Cobb begins arguing the case.

The director and actors here are better than the average material. Matthau and Morgan seem to be having a contest over who is the most ornery -Matthau wins, hands down- but both are still likable. Blakely is very good as Billie, playing some nice emotional scenes with Matthau as she begins to regain her independence. Kerwin is wasted in a wishy-washy role. Old pro director Delbert Mann still has a fine eye. There are no camera tricks, but the pacing is nice, and the settings and vintage automobiles never had me doubting that this took place in 1947. However, the case is not all that interesting. This was shot for network television, and plays like "Matlock" or any one of the umpteen law firm shows that have come out over the few decades. The villainous opposition are all appropriately hissable and slimy, and Cobb and Bell are our grumpy old lawyers, showing the young 'uns how its done. The romantic subplot between Billie and Jack lets Blakely shine here and there, but Jack is so dopey that their scenes tire after a while.

"Against Her Will: An Incident in Baltimore" is an average television event, never really engaging the viewer. I did not love it, I did not hate it, but I will be hard pressed to remember it. I will slightly recommend it based on the lead actors and the direction. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Against Her Will: An Incident in Baltimore" on Amazon here*

Vanilla Sky: "Against a Crooked Sky" (1975)

After his sister Charlotte (Jewel Blanch) is kidnapped by Indians, Sam (Stewart Petersen) decides to try to find her himself. With promises of gold, he lures Russian (Richard Boone) along on the trip, and they head into the Utah desert, encountering hostile Apaches, and discovering what seems to be a lost tribe who enjoy their human sacrifices. Sam and Russian are captured, and Sam must pass an impossible endurance test to save his sister's life.

The main problem with this film is its general air of hokey-ness. Boone tries to make his character so "colorful," that he overacts more than a room full of Gabby Hayes impersonators. The rest of the cast tries, but the direction is very amateurish and the script is weak. Many scenes drag on forever, with characters repeating plot points again and again. The kidnapping tribe's origin and identity is never explained, and the one Native American who can speak English comes off like a robotic version of Sacheen Littlefeather. The film also runs into the age-old problem many action films run into- the journey to find Charlotte is so perilous, but the glossed-over return trip home seems to have gone without a hitch. Watch for the very unconvincing day for night scenes and grainy stock footage scattered throughout.

I cannot recommend "Against a Crooked Sky," although its heart seems to be in the right place. (* 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Against a Crooked Sky" on Amazon here*

Meh-Adventures: "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" (2000)

"The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" was canceled in the mid-1960's, and ever since then the cartoon characters have been living in poverty. Through attachment to a movie deal, Fearless Leader (Robert De Niro), Boris (Jason Alexander), and Natasha (Rene Russo) escape into our real world. Fearless Leader begins a television network called RBTV (Really Bad Television) and begins hypnotizing the American public with his inane programming. His evil scheme is to brainwash the country into voting for him for president. The FBI sends untested Agent Karen Sympathy (Piper Perabo) to get Rocky, Bullwinkle, and the original show's Narrator out of their cartoon existences to fight the villains. Fearless Leader is in New York readying to make his speech, so he sends Boris and Natasha to Hollywood to stop Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Karen. Most of the film is essentially a road trip as the cast makes a mad dash for the Big Apple.

When I was a kid, I never really got into Rocky and Bullwinkle. I do remember liking the Narrator of the cartoon series, but I tired of the puns and lame jokes. I was a Looney Tunes kid, born and bred. In the feature film, the writer and director give more than enough humor to please kids and adults. There are a ton of cameos here, almost as many as in the Muppet movies. The puns and lame jokes are still here, as is goofy physical humor. The casting of DeNiro, Alexander, and Russo is so inspired I wished the trio had had even more screen time. Keith Scott does the voices of both Bullwinkle and Narrator, and June Foray does the voice of Rocky. Both voice actors do a fantastic job. My one casting complaint is with Piper Perabo as Karen. I thought the role called for someone way older than the actress. The mix of live action and animation is not as smooth here as it was in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," a film this outing even mentions. While adults and children will find some funny stuff here, they will also have to sit through a "find your inner child" subplot and some very choppy editing in the middle third of the film. Mark Mothersbaugh delivers almost the exact same annoying music cues that came to ruin another live action/cartoon film- "Space Jam."

"The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" turned a lot of people off, and the film tanked at the box office. I found it average. I have a feeling true fans of the show hated this as much as those who knew nothing of the show. I kind of fall in the middle of the two groups, and my rating falls in the middle of the scale. (* * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" on Amazon here*

Don't Blink: "Afraid of the Dark" (1991)

Mark Peploe, one of the Oscar winning screenwriters behind "The Last Emperor," comes up with his own tale of a little boy overwhelmed by his situation, and in the process scares the living daylights out of the viewer.

Lucas (Ben Keyworth) is a morose little boy whose blind mother Miriam (Fanny Ardant) dotes on him. His father, Frank (James Fox), is a cop and Lucas' hero. A madman is running around London slashing the faces of blind women, and the blind community is in a panic. Lucas is a little boy, hardly noticeable, and begins observing prime suspects. The ice cream man, the window washer, the photographer, even the overly helpful locksmith (David Thewlis), are all under the boy's suspicion. A neighborhood golden retriever is Lucas' only friend and confidant, and eventually Lucas has a showdown with the slasher- and then the film does a complete 180.

Ben Keyworth, as Lucas, is incredible. Some might see his delivery as flat and monotonal, but I thought his cold exterior was perfect. You will feel sorry for him, even in the latter part of the film. Ardant is great as his mother, and Fox is always reliable as the dad. Peploe's direction is so creepy it becomes uncomfortable often. The graveyard scenes are chilling, as are one character's hallucinations. Peploe also co-wrote the screenplay with Frederick Seidel, so he knows these characters better than anyone. None of them are stupid, or do horror-film-stupid things, and this adds to the squirm level. Plus, if you have any sort of phobia about things getting too close to your eyes, like I do, this may not be for you. The pace is slow, as Peploe builds his characters, and this is actually a relief. The entire cast is good, and Peploe should have directed more.

All in all, "Afraid of the Dark" is one of those films that you will find bothering you days after you see it. I highly recommend it. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Afraid of the Dark" on Amazon here*

Not So Elementary, My Dear Wilder: "The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" (1975)

In 1975, Gene Wilder, fresh from a series of classic Mel Brooks' films, decided to make his directorial debut with this stale semi-spoof.

Queen Victoria (Susan Field) has given her Foreign Secretary a secret document that is promptly stolen from his safe. Sherlock Holmes (Douglas Wilmer) and Dr. Watson (Thorley Walters) are called in, but decide to pretend to leave the country, then sneak back in, so they can investigate the theft undistracted. Sherlock leaves his lesser cases to his jealous younger brother Sigerson (Gene Wilder), who must deal with his own new-found sidekick Orville (Marty Feldman). Jenny (Madeline Kahn) is a mysterious chorus girl being blackmailed by opera singer Gambetti (Dom DeLuise) for a love letter she wrote, and wants Sigerson to get involved. Jenny is not really who she says she is, and the two Holmes brothers' paths cross as they follow their respective cases.

Despite a stunning cast list, the film is a downer. Wilder had such a great chance here, but aside from Kahn and DeLuise, his cast is lackluster to the point of looking bored. Much of his script seems inspired by Brooks- the off-color humor, the familiar actors, but most of it does not work- a tic-laden Moriarty (Leo McKern), a confused and ultimately uninteresting case, and an unsure directorial hand sink it. Although Americans Wilder and Kahn are the leads, neither try a British accent. I don't know if this was part of the joke, but it's not funny. A skewering of Victorian morals and the Holmes stories could have been hilarious, but Wilder goes a different route. He makes Feldman a straight man, wasting a great comic actor by giving him a couple of silly characteristics instead of a funny character. We are given no background about the relationship between Sigerson and Sherlock, except that Sigerson is jealous, so a whole sibling rivalry history is also ignored. Instead, Wilder spends too much time with badly directed action sequences- the carriage chase is one of those great missed blunders in cinema- and Mel Brooks-like goofball musical numbers. The climax takes place during an opera, where Kahn and DeLuise shine. Both are very funny, and their interplay onstage is hilarious. At this point in the film, however, when Albert Finney in a cameo wonders aloud if this is all rotten or incredibly brave, I had an answer for him.

"The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" (a terrible title, since Sigerson never shows this intelligence or perceived superiority- another missed joke) is disappointing. (* *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" on Amazon here*

Facepalm: "Greatest Heroes of the Bible" {"David & Goliath" Episode #1.1} (1978)

"Greatest Heroes of the Bible" ineptitude continues with this blase recreation of the epic fight between shepherd David and giant warrior Goliath.

Roger Kern is the eager young David who goes to the front of a stalemated war between King Saul's (a terrible Jeff Corey) army and that of Debuknar (John Dehner). David is taking bread to his brothers, one of who is Daniel J. Travanti, and the army meets up with Goliath (Ted Cassidy). Goliath sounds like a modern day professional wrestler, and looks like one too, dressed in a trojan outfit and spouting insults like "vermin" and "wormy." Lord general Abner (Hugh O'Brian) convinces King Saul to let David fight Goliath so Abner can move his tens of men into position to attack the tens of Debuknar's troops. David and Goliath meet, Goliath cannot seem to make any of his javelins take the little shepherd out, and as Abner gets his men in position, David hits Goliath in the forehead with a stone and kills him. What follows is a couple of dozen men running around and whacking each other with plastic swords in one of the least bloody battles ever filmed.

Like a bad car accident, I could not seem to look away from this series. The B cast looks properly ashamed to be in this thing. The old Magnum Entertainment/Guiding Image video release is only thirty seven minutes long, as opposed to "GHOTB: Abraham's Sacrifice," which was fifty five minutes long. The cast is listed at the beginning, but not the crew, so I had no idea who wrote or directed this un-valiant try until I did some internet research. There are good movies based on stories from the Bible, and then there is this.

"Greatest Heroes of the Bible: David and Goliath" feels like a rock to the forehead. I cannot recommend it. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of the complete "Greatest Heroes of the Bible" collection on Amazon here*

Death Wished: "Act of Vengeance" (1986)

Charles Bronson, mired in crappy B action flicks in the 1980's, decided to take this made-for-cable-TV flick to stretch his acting chops. He should have just made another "Death Wish" movie, instead.

Based on a true story set in 1969, Bronson plays United Mine Workers union official Jock Yablonski. He fawns over union president Tony Boyle (Wilford Brimley), who is made out to be a ruthless crook immediately. As Jock and his wife Margaret (Ellen Burstyn) coast through life, a mine accident claims the lives of eighty people. Boyle arrives in the grieving West Virginia town and defends the coal company over the miners. Yablonski is almost run out of town, and decides he has had enough. He announces his candidacy for the union presidency, and begins campaigning. Boyle then orders a hit on his former friend. The film shifts gears and introduces us to Paul (Robert Schenkkan), a house painter with a lot of guns and a huge ego. Paul is married to the oversexed Annette (Ellen Barkin), who is probably carrying on behind Paul's back. Annette's father Silous (Hoyt Axton) comes to Paul with a job- kill Yablonski and collect ten thousand dollars. Annette uses her feminine wiles to convince Paul, and he hires local petty criminal Claude (Maury Chaykin) to help. With the campaign in full swing, both sides are confident about victory. Boyle's side is more confident since he has stuffed the ballot box, winning in a landslide. Yablonski decides to challenge the election, and his death becomes more important to Boyle and his gang. Paul hires another killer Buddy (Keanu Reeves), and the trio decide to carry out their plan.

With a good cast and confident direction, this film really should have hit its mark. Unfortunately, it never seems to get momentum going, as the central plot about the campaign takes a back seat to the killers' subplot. The staged campaign speeches are, well, stagey. The crowd scenes never move, and Boyle is so evil right away, the election's outcome is never in doubt. Bronson tries, but his dramatic scenes are just like other action films he has done, except he does not pull out a gun. Burstyn is wasted in the dutiful wife role, I have a feeling stronger writing would have bolstered her part. The best performance here? Writer/actor Robert Schenkkan as Paul. He turns Paul into such a desperate loser, he would be pitiful if his actions were not so despicable. One creepy scene has him calming his urges with a sleeping Annette, who knows what a little sex will do to better her station in life. Claude and Buddy are also disgusting creatures, there are plenty of opportunities to kill Yablonski but Claude chickens out. Claude and Paul make the trip to the Yablonski's country house so often, they know where to stop for gas. Claude, Paul, and Buddy eventually cross over into "funny" territory, and that is where the film finally lost me. The final violent scenes show the trio bumbling like the unfunny "I Love You to Death," but the humor is completely wrong here.

Barely an hour and a half, "Act of Vengeance," a generic name that could serve as a "Death Wish" series entry subtitle, never grabs its audience and proves to be an exercise in predictability, despite the excellent work of Robert Schenkkan. (* *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Act of Vengeance" on Amazon here*

Bosom Buddies: "Across the Moon" (1994)

Christina Applegate and Elizabeth Pena are desert bound in a quirky comedy that often crosses into already-explored territory.

Richie (Tony Fields) and Lyle (Peter Berg) land in prison after a drug deal gone wrong. They leave behind their respective women, Carmen (Elizabeth Pena) and Kathy (Christina Applegate), and Carmen's son Paco (Michael Aniel Mundra). The men are sentenced to a state penitentiary in the middle of the California desert, and the two women decide to move into a dilapidated trailer nearby to be closer to them. Kathy is a former Beverly Hills brat, and Carmen has seen tougher times, so they butt heads often in a bit of class warfare. They are starving and run out of money, and decide to become hookers. Instead, they meet Jim (James Remar), who gets them set up with jobs in the local town. In the desert, Paco begins skipping school in order to hang around with Frank (Michael McKean), a big cat trainer down on his luck. Jim lives in an abandoned Hollywood western set, and sees Barney (Burgess Meredith), an old prospector. Eventually, all of these misfits' lives cross.

Despite the old video cover art, this is not "Thelma and Louise." The two lead actresses are attractive, and do drive around the desert in a convertible, but that is the end of the similarities. The cast of characters are all quirky, but the screenwriter does not overdose his story on the quirk. The actors and actresses all do good work, but no one really breaks out and makes the film their own. Scenes go on, everyone is likable and you hope they do well, but the film cannot shake its small trappings. The entire proceedings happen, but do not challenge the audience. Director Gottlieb has some lovely shots, including one where Frank and his lion are silhouetted against a sunset, but the scene before that is an awkwardly played vignette in which Carmen tries to spank Paco for skipping school. "Across the Moon" is as innocuous as its title. The cast tries to convince the viewer that desert living is next to paradise, but the high quirk factor and leisurely pacing makes me want to stay put where I am. There are some good scenes, but the film plays it safe when it comes to laughs or plot.

"Across the Moon" is strictly average fare, a typical "independent film" that everyone could add to their resume. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Across the Moon" on Amazon here*

Sophie Comes Along: "The Accompanist" (1992)

Sophie (Romane Bohringer), a masterful pianist, is hired by opera singer Irene (Elena Safonova) to be her accompanist onstage in Nazi-occupied Paris. Irene is married to businessman Charles (Richard Bohringer) but is having an affair with Jacques (Samuel Labarthe). Sophie, Irene, and Charles decide to leave France for London. They are attacked by a single German plane on their way, but make it. The climax, involving death and lost love, is chilling.

Why did I love this film so much? The pace is slow, but it gives you a chance to get to know the characters, all of whom are so well-drawn and acted, I kept forgetting this was fiction. Irene is completely unhappy with her marriage, but keeps smiling onstage. Charles wrestles with his conscience, telling himself he is not taking financial gains collaborating with the Nazis. Sophie, the main character, just wants to belong in a normal life situation, witnessing it from anywhere else but the piano bench as some singer's go-fer. The direction and cinematography are excellent, and the classical music, featuring Beethoven, Mozart, et al., is incredible. I am at a loss of words about what a good film this is, and this will give you another side of WWII. (* * * * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Accompanist" on Amazon here*

Noncents: "50 Cent: Refuse 2 Die" (2005)

The film did not get the involvement of its subject, or very many people "in the know," and it shows. Valiantly tries to hide that fact with some animation and style, but the result is hurried and incomplete. I'm not interested in hip-hop and rap at all, and I don't know any more about Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson than when I went into the film. I think every DVD wholesaler in the country has copies of this title, you can literally find it everywhere. (*) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "50 Cent: Refuse 2 Die" on Amazon here*

Out on a Limb: "Acacia" (2003)

This film is a cross between "The Guardian" and "The Bad Seed," only ten times more scary than either film.

Obstetrician Do-il (Jin-geun Kim) and artsy wife Mi-sook (Shim Hye-jin) are happily married with Do-il's dad living with them. The problem is they are childless. While judging a child's art contest, Mi-sook is taken by some tree drawings done by Jin-seong (Mun Oh-bin). The boy is an orphan, and Mi-sook and Do-il adopt him immediately. Jin-seong is a cute but sullen child, obsessed with the dead acacia tree in the family's backyard. Mi-sook's cruel mother (Young-hee Lee) immediately dislikes the child, and is thrilled when Mi-sook ends up pregnant. The baby is born but Jin-seong begins mistreating it in a hard-to-watch scene involving suffocation, and the family is increasingly uncomfortable around the boy. He makes friends with the sickly girl next door, tries to burn down his grandfather's workshop, and then disappears from the family's home. The family misses him on the one hand, but are hard pressed to contact police and do a full search on the other. Meanwhile, the acacia tree in the backyard begins blooming and strange things begin to take place around it.

Co-writer/director Ki-hyeong Park has created a deeply unsettling horror film, I have not been this creeped out by a backyard tree since "Poltergeist." The family's house is clean and beautiful, the cinematography is top notch, and Park does a simply incredible job of shooting what other directors would consider mundane scenes. One great shot has Mi-sook and an injured main character crouching by the tree. Park puts his camera above the tree, and the branches separate around the pair, framing them- great stuff. I was already in a "how would Hollywood remake this?" mode, so the emotional ending was a complete surprise. The cast is excellent across the board. After Jin-seong vanishes, Mi-sook and Do-il's marriage collapses, as they begin to lash out at each other and blame each other for their son's disappearance. These are very well rounded characters, and the actors are perfectly cast. Little Mun Oh-bin does not show a lot of emotion as Jin-seong, and that makes his performance even more creepy. In the behind-the-scenes featurette on a DVD release, Park can be heard using Spielberg-like techniques to get the reaction he needs from Mun.

"Acacia" is a bold surprise, sparse with its small cast, but big on overall creepiness. You may never climb a tree again. Also known as "Acasia." (* * * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Acacia" on Amazon here*

Just a Little Waterlogged: "The Abyss" (1989)

Does James Cameron's groundbreaking film about underwater aliens still stand up decades after its theatrical release? I can answer yes, and no, after viewing the almost three hour special extended edition released on DVD a while back.

Bud (Ed Harris) is the leader of a motley crew of working stiffs on an underwater oil drilling platform. It seems those idiots in the military- Cameron makes his feelings for soldiers in uniform abundantly clear throughout this film- went and crashed a nuclear sub in a deep trench nearby, and the quickest way to rescue them is to use the platform. The platform designer, and Bud's estranged wife, Lindsey (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) is sent down to the platform along with a Navy SEAL team headed by the immediately unbalanced Coffey (Michael Biehn, turning in a nice performance). Above on the surface, a hurricane is blowing through, and international tensions with the Soviets are high. Coffey and Bud clash as to who is running the operation, which quickly turns from a rescue mission to a mission to survive mechanical failures, weather-related disasters, secret military agendas, oh, and some pretty, glowing space aliens.

I think we can all agree that Cameron's strength comes from his technical savvy, and not his screenwriting skills. Dialogue clunks after lingering uncomfortably in the air. It's awful, I compare it to how a junior high schooler thinks grown-ups at work talk. Bud and Lindsey's bantering threatens to degenerate into "nanny-nanny-boo-boo" insults and accompanying wedgies, and the number of times she is referred to as a b-word is shocking. The special extended edition of the film adds half an hour to the theatrical release, which means half an hour more visual marvel, and Cameron's annoying preachiness, breaking down the Cold War into its most simplistic ingredients. Cameron borrows from "2001: A Space Odyssey," "2010" (a huge debt to that film), the random "Twilight Zone" episode, and even the glassy-eyed look of wonder and amazement from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The cast struggles with Cameron's dialogue, and seem to do best when left to their own devices as in Lindsey's drowning scene, and Bud's descent into the underwater abyss. The shoot was a troubled one, according to some online research, and that is sometimes evident on the performers' faces. Some of Harris' expressions at his lines indicate disbelief. Biehn's Coffey is the most interesting character. So why am I recommending this? Technically, the film is awesome. The widescreen is used wisely, and the film is epic in scale. Some of the special effects are a little iffy, this was CGI in its infancy, but the crystal clear cinematography and sound is perfect. Alan Silvestri's musical score is terrible- really? Drums when the military killing machines are onscreen? Are those bongos during a fight scene between Bud and Coffey?. The plot is a good one, I wish Cameron had taken a story credit and handed it over to someone who could flesh the caricatures out and made us care about the people going through all of these great action sequences like a mini-sub chase, and suspenseful set-pieces like the crane collapse.

In the grand scheme of Cameron films, "The Abyss" falls behind "Titanic," "True Lies," "Aliens," and his Terminator films, but I will say this- it's light years ahead of "Avatar," and "Aliens of the Deep." Glub-glub. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Abyss" on Amazon here*

Elites in the Wild: "Absolute Power" (1997)

Clint Eastwood directs a surprising, sharp thriller based on the novel by David Baldacci.

Luther (Clint Eastwood) is your run-of-the-mill, over-the-hill professional burglar. His latest hit is at the mansion of vacationing philanthropist Walter Sullivan (E. G. Marshall). He finds jewels, coins, lots of cash, but almost gets caught. He hides in a vault with a two-way mirror and watches the very young Mrs. Christy Sullivan (Melora Hardin) canoodle around with a much older man (Gene Hackman). The foreplay becomes more slap than tickle, and the couple try to kill each other before two men (Scott Glenn, Dennis Haysbert) burst into the room and shoot Christy dead. Luther would think nothing of it, except the two men doing the shooting are Secret Service agents and Christy's lover is U. S. President Allen Richmond. Luther runs, trying to get in contact with his estranged daughter Kate (Laura Linney), who has grown up to become a prosecuting attorney. Hot on Luther's trail are the Secret Service agents, White House Chief of Staff Gloria Russell (Judy Davis), who covered up the crime, Detective Seth Frank (an excellent Ed Harris), who sees that things are not as cut and dried as the conspirators had hoped, and a gunman hired by a vindictive Sullivan, who has money to burn. Richmond tries to keep out of it, but the villainous camps begin to turn on themselves as Luther sends them signs indicating he knows everything that has happened.

Eastwood directs a screenplay by William Goldman masterfully. There are no big giant explosive action sequences or James Bondish car chases. Eastwood wisely lets the characters go through the paces, knowing their secrets are more interesting than yet another stunt. He knows how to keep the tension cranked up, I was reminded of Brian DePalma many times throughout the film; especially the outdoor cafe scene, and the hospital scene. The entire cast is great. Eastwood plays smart and old well. Linney could have been the stereotypical wronged daughter all grown up, but she has a nice presence. Ed Harris is perfect as Frank. Glenn is sympathetic as Burton, the agent who did not want any of this in the beginning, and he serves as a nice balance to the creepy Collin, played by Dennis Haysbert in a chilling role that does not cross over into Hannibal Lecter-pathos. E. G. Marshall does come along and show these young whipper-snappers how it's done, in one of his last roles. Part of the fun- yes, parts of this are fun- is watching Luther play the different sides off of each other when he is literally being shot at from all sides. He is normally in control, and goes to extraordinary lengths to keep it that way.

"Absolute Power" is a top notch professional job in every respect. Many complain about its pacing, or how outlandish the plot is. Considering the actions of a number of presidential administrations over the past few years, I did not find the idea outlandish at all. As for the pacing, this ain't "Dirty Harry," but I was never bored, either. (* * * * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Absolute Power" on Amazon here*

An Excused Absence: "Absence of the Good" (1999)

Stephen Baldwin stars in another serial killer film that arrives on the scene about ten years too late.

Detective Caleb (Stephen Baldwin) and wife Mary (Shawn Huff) are still grieving after the accidental shooting death of their six year old son. Mary drowns her sorrow in pills, while emotionless Caleb drowns himself in work. A serial killer is on the loose in Salt Lake City, and Caleb and partner Glenn (Rob Knepper) are under pressure from their stereotypical blowhard commander (Allen Garfield) to solve the case. Caleb takes the case personally, since the main suspect was an abused child now visiting all his old childhood homes and murdering everyone living there. Dr. Lyons (Tyne Daly) tries to help Caleb before the case, and his nightmares about his son, send him over the edge.

The cast here is very good, from Daly's tough and tender psychiatrist to Huff's sad portrayal of a mourning mother. Knepper is always a villain in everything else I have seen him in, having him be a good guy is a welcome change. I was initially put off by Baldwin's stiff portrayal- I realize his character is keeping his emotions bottled up, but I started to find his monotone monotonous. Once in a while, I thought he would turn that emotional corner, but then he would drop back into rigid and unfeeling again. John Flynn's direction is very good for a small film, helped immensely by Ric Waite's beautiful photography. Like most serial killer films, you might have this one figured out if you are paying close enough attention. I did like the investigative process this time around, although the "flawed cop working on his toughest case" story has been done.

"Absence of the Good" was too easy a target with that title if it was bad. It is merely okay- no more, no less, and no surprises. (* * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Absence of the Good" on Amazon here*

About Time: "About Adam" (2000)

Gerard Stembridge writes and directs a fantastic comedy that never takes the easy way out when it explores one family's relationships with one man.

Adam (Stuart Townsend) happens to see Lucy (Kate Hudson) in the restaurant she works at in Dublin. They become smitten, and the first part of the film covers her relationship with Adam. Adam gets along famously with Lucy's family- sisters Laura (Frances O'Connor) and Alice (Charlotte Bradley), brother David (Alan Maher), and mother Peggy (Rosaleen Linehan). Lucy proposes to Adam, who accepts, and the the film does an interesting thing. Lucy is dropped as the main protagonist and narrator, and Adam's relationship with the mousy feminist academic Laura is explored next. We see Adam and Lucy courting, but Laura has been meeting Adam, too, finally breaking free from her icy reputation. David's relationship with Adam follows. David cannot seem to get his girlfriend Karen (Cathleen Bradley) into bed, and he and Adam devise a foolproof plan to get everyone drunk, then David makes his move. The plan seems to backfire, as Karen leaves Adam and David alone together, although Maher does have a funny scene where he accidentally gets aroused by Adam anyway. The final scenes happen between the oldest sister, restrained Alice, and Adam. Alice is stuck in a boring marriage, and Adam is finding her very sexy. The film ends on Lucy and Adam's planned wedding day.

In all four stories, Adam is perceived differently by each family member, but not to the point of silliness. To Lucy, he is a normal, perfect guy. To Laura, he is an emotional brooder. To David, he is a ladies' man. To Alice, he is a horndog giving her much needed attention. To the audience, Adam is extremely likable. He dallies with many members of the cast, but Stembridge never makes him out to be a villain for all of this. He is giving everyone what they want, perhaps in unorthodox ways, and there is not any evil scheme behind his bed hopping. Each family member hears a different story about how he obtained his sporty Jaguar, but the audience is never sure if Adam is lying or more likely the family members hear what they want to hear in order to complete their fantasy of him. The audience watches some of the same scenes over again, but from a different characters' point of view, which is great. It is also fun to see a romantic comedy that can be bawdy at the same time. While nudity is kept to a minimum, the sexual content is not, and the pillow talk is actually interesting. Stembridge has created a realistic family, a realistic outsider, and does not take the easy way out in exploring all the relationships. While the Irish accents are good, they are also understandable, Hudson's is dead on. There are no scene stealers here, Stembridge wisely escorts the supporting cast into the background during each family member's story, and this makes an excellent balance. This may not be a romantic comedy in the sense that couples might see themselves in it unless the guy is trying to bed the sisters of the gal, and this twist is refreshing.

"About Adam" is not only smart, but fun to watch. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "About Adam" on Amazon here*

Ready and Abel: "Able Edwards" (2004)

Graham Robertson takes one part "Citizen Kane," one part the frozen Walt Disney legend, and sprinkles a pinch of every clone/sci-fi film you have ever seen, and creates a memorable film.

In the future, Earth is uninhabitable with ninety percent of the population being killed by an unknown contaminant. Humanity now lives in a giant space-bound Civilization pod, which slowly circles the dead planet. We see old newsreel footage about a Walt Disney-type film maker named Abel Edwards (Scott Kelly Galbreath), who died in 1960 in a helicopter crash. His company is still alive in the pod, morphing into a company that builds androids. In order to increase plateaued profits, a team heads to Earth and harvests some of Edwards' body, creating a perfect clone. The board of directors decide to raise the new Abel knowing full well that he will be taking over the company, and create a half human/half cyborg lifelong friend for him named Gower (Steve Beaumont Jones). The film follows the life of the new Abel Edwards, who begins to make waves on the pod by going back to "reality" entertainment. No more virtual rides, no more extinct animals on computer screens, Edwards wants to bring back actual rides and actual animals into parks spread around the pod. His life story is book ended by a probate hearing being run by Chairman Lowery (Michael Shamus Wiles), at the request of Abel's widow Rosemary (Keri Bruno). The film's trailer asks the perfect question about the story- can individuality be reproduced?

The film is experimental. It was executive produced by Steven Soderbergh, who seems to specialize in these small types of films when he isn't filming George Clooney or Matt Damon going through the motions. The entire movie is shot on digital video against a green screen, and is in black and white. While this may seem like a detriment, Robertson makes it work. His use of stock footage in the background gives the film an other-worldly look. Big giant James Cameron-type computer generated effects might have overwhelmed the old fashioned linear story. Michael Suby also turns in a fantastic epic musical score, which sounds like something from the early days of cinema. Scott Kelly Galbreath does a great job as Edwards. He is both sympathetic and ruthless. Jones as Gower is also good, very understated as a part android being, but not turning it into a "Star Trek" idea reject. The supporting cast all excel in what must have been difficult shooting situations. While the cut rate look of the production is interesting, I wish some of the technical aspects had been jacked up a touch. While very intense, a park accident scene late in the film could have been so much more.

"Able Edwards" is very imaginative and very watchable. It's a piece of thinking-viewer's science fiction, without an alien or transforming robot in sight. Very refreshing. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Able Edwards" on Amazon here*

Great Scott: "Abilene Town" (1946)

Randolph Scott stars as Marshal Dan Mitchell, trying to quell a feud between homesteaders and cattlemen in this inoffensive western.

Mitchell runs Abilene with a kind but stern hand. All the saloons in town are on one side of the street, and the merchants are on the other. Cattle drivers, led by Ryker (Dick Curtis) ride in every few weeks or so, blow their money, and storm off. A group of homesteaders arrive and are immediately relegated to the outskirts of town. The saloon keepers don't much like them out there, and hire Chet Younger (Jack Lambert) to burn a few of them out. While Mitchell wants to stop them, he needs the help of the ineffectual county sheriff- the wonderfully named Bravo Trimble (Edgar Buchanan). Trimble is more interested in playing cards and avoiding conflict. The stage is set for the final showdown between the peaceful homesteaders and the wild cattlemen.

Based on famed western writer Ernest Haycox's novel, "Abilene Town" has a lot of unexpected plot and characterization for a B flick. Just as Mitchell is torn between the two sides of his town's streets, he is also torn between good merchant's daughter Sherry (Rhonda Fleming) and bad chorus girl Rita (Ann Dvorak). One of the problems with the film is a distinct lack of subtlety on the characters' parts. Mitchell is so darned noble, you wish he would get mad and do some real damage. He just kind of shakes a finger at Trimble after the sheriff knocks him out. Rita is a bad girl trying to go good, but Dvorak sometimes plays her a little to shrill, making you wonder why Mitchell doesn't cross the street into Sherry's arms. Of course, he would have to adjust her halo before any kissing, as Sherry is an impossibly saintly, good woman. There are plenty of little touches here and there that lift the story from being a bad film. Sherry's father, Balder (Howard Freeman) is constantly calculating how much more money he will make off the farmers than the cattlemen. Trimble only stays when a crowd gathers depending on how many votes he can wring out of them in the next election. Scott, and his stuntman, have some pretty impressive fight scenes- backstage at the saloon show, and with Younger in a cabin. The stampede special effects are pretty average.

If you find "Abilene Town," it wouldn't kill you to watch it if there's nothing else to do. However, stay away from some of the terrible public domain copies. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Abilene Town" on Amazon here*

Exasperation: "Aberration" (1997)

"Aberration" has gained a weird cult status, according to some other reviews I have read online. Do not believe them, this is an awful, awful film.

Pamela Gidley is Amy, who arrives at an isolated cabin in the woods carrying a whole lot of cash. The cabin has not been used in years, and we find out she used to go there as a child. She cleans the place up, and she and her trusty cat make themselves at home. She frequents the general store of nice Mrs. Miller (Helen Moulder), and she meets Marshall (Simon Bossell), a field researcher. Marshall is investigating why all the wildlife in the area is disappearing. He is collecting bags of what can only be described as goop, and begins suspecting a new species of animal is eating everything in the woods. This corresponds with Amy's discovery of goop in her cabin, which she blames on mice. As Amy gets some heavy duty rat spray, her car conveniently breaks down and she heads back to the cabin with Marshall. A convenient blizzard blows upon the film as the bickering couple do battle with each other and some hilarious looking mutant puppets, in a literally explosive last half of the film.

Although set in the United States, this was shot in New Zealand, and it shows. Amy and Marshall are the most unpleasant couple I have ever had the disservice to cheer for. Director Tim Boxell spent all of his money on the gore effects, so for every disgusting bloody lizard stomping, there is a horrible puppet lizard effect. Dumb ideas are introduced, then dropped. Amy loads a super soaker with poison, but then it is never used. Where did it come from? Why is the gas still turned on to a cabin that has sat vacant for over a decade? Why does Mrs. Miller keep referring to living in a small town, when she and Peterson seem to be the only occupants and her store the only building? Where did the dang lizards come from in the first place? Much is made of the lizards able to spray poison from their mouths, yet this only happens twice. For ninety three minutes, this is one long dull boring film. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Aberration" on Amazon here*

Keep Your Stinking Hands Off This Danged Terrible Movie: "Abe & Bruno" (2006)

Sometimes a "heartwarming comedy" is anything but.

Curmudgeon Abe (Brad Sergi) lives with a giant five-hundred pound gorilla named Bruno (Guy in Monkey Suit) on the outskirts of a small California town, scaring away the locals- no one knows about Bruno, and Abe aims to keep it that way. Abe thinks of Bruno as his son, and has taught him some amazing things: Bruno can use the toilet! Bruno can work the microwave! Bruno can make his own bed! Bruno can comprehend and react to every single word and gesture Abe uses! Bruno has also figured out the television remote control, and has fallen in monkey love with animal show host Sarah (Blythe Metz). Ironic in a "heartwarming" tale that Abe has a "heart attack," even telling Bruno to call 911. Bruno instead panics and goes into town to find Abe's girlfriend Edie (Candice Rose), who also knows nothing of Bruno. The town (all twelve extras) is thrown into an uproar, but Bruno manages to lead Sheriff Kilgore (Kevin Scott Allen) to a still breathing Abe before escaping into the nearby woods. Some media, and Sarah, descend on the town as Kilgore makes plans to shoot Bruno.

Done on the cheap, "Abe & Bruno" misleads, starting with the DVD cover: the three children pictured are in very small supporting roles. Sergi does his best acting in the hospital scenes, unconscious, as Sarah tries to persuade the stereotypical, stupid, gun-toting rednecks that casting aspersions about gorillas is narrow-minded and dangerous. While billing itself as a comedy, there are zero laughs. Its heartwarming tone left me cold, and everything felt dumbed down and simplistic, from the terrible pacing and plot to Abe's annoying one sided conversations with Bruno, or Sarah's questionable internet search engine. Everything I know about gorillas I learned from "Gorillas in the Mist" and the "King Kong" films, meaning very little, but I rolled my eyes every time Sarah came up with a new factoid about primates. The bloodthirsty, gun-happy sheriff and moronic deputies are caricatures of the lowest order, not characters, yet I kept getting lectured about misinformation, and the problems of jumping to the wrong conclusions about Bruno.

A minor film you have never heard of, "Abe & Bruno" features some pretty scenery, and nothing else. (1/2 *) out of five stars

*Get a physical copy of "Abe & Bruno" on Amazon here*

Gingerly Skip: "The Abductors"

Meet Ginger. She is the ultra-feminist secret agent created to counterbalance that male chauvinist pig James Bond 007. In this film, she solves a case that has no global significance whatsoever.

Ginger (Cheri Caffaro), wears hideous knit costumes, can seduce men in a single bound, and applies makeup with a trowel. A gang of henchmen, led by Jablon (Patrick Wright), kidnap three young beauties. They psychologically torture the girls until they submit, then sell them to rich men as mistresses in bondage. Jason Varone (William Grannell), a poor man's M, calls in Ginger to investigate the case. Ginger's secret agent gadget? Small radar disks that can be swallowed, then tracked by someone with a radar set up in their car. Ginger sets about trying to save this skeevy part of the world.

In re-editing this review, I dropped THREE paragraphs of awful plot- you're welcome. This was the middle film in a trilogy of crud featuring the character Ginger. The naked women were nice to look at, in the halcyon days before breast implants. Be warned, hairy middle-aged male villains are on as much display as the women. Schain's direction consists of nailing the camera to the floor and slowly zooming in and out of each scene. For a secret agent, Ginger is kind of an idiot. Her idea of feminism is taking off her clothes and acting horny so some henchmen will untie her. Most of the cast has not worked since this series, and it is easy to see why. Sure, it's exploitation, but it is also monumentally bad, and the fun is soon forgotten.

I sentence "The Abductors" to solitary, never to be seen again. A sequel to "Ginger," this was followed by "Girls Are for Loving." (*) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "The Abductors" on Amazon here*

Done Saw: "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (2022)

The reluctant "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise gets yet another reboot/reimagining/sequel, but this time they go the Halloween/Kills/Ends route and bring back a surviving character from the original film. Things don't work out as well here as they did for the "Halloween" series.

Four idealistic (or naive?) friends purchase a ghost town in Texas. They plan on renovating the entire town, and turning it into a progressive haven where they can save the world. Sisters Melody (Sarah Yarkin) and Lila (Elsie Fisher), and couple Dante (Jacob Latimore) and Ruth (Nell Hudson) have run-ins with local law enforcement and some town hangers-on, with the film makers casting aspersions immediately- the Gen Z/millenials are portrayed as wide-eyed and woke, while the Texans encountered are a bunch of drawling, gun-toting racists. Lila was injured in a school shooting, and Melody hovers over her constantly. The group hear the tale of Leatherface (told in the 1974 original film), and we learn that the final surviving girl from that film, Sally (Olwen Fouere, taking the role originated by the late Marilyn Burns), became a Texas Ranger and is currently waiting for the call that her archnemesis may still be found since the murders of her friends are officially listed as "unsolved." The group arrives in the ghost town to wait for a busload of investors, and find that an old lady (Alice Krige) and her adopted son (Mark Burnham) are still living in an abandoned orphanage. The ghost town is going to get renovated by one man, Richter (Moe Dunford), who doesn't take to the group. Leatherface finally makes a questionable appearance, the carnage begins, and there's a lot of questions throughout.

The timeline for the TCM franchise is even more convoluted than the Halloween franchise. The film is barely over eighty minutes long, so there isn't a lot of character development or legacy building, although I did see director Garcia paying tribute to some other famous slasher films here and there. The script tries to inject something different into its story, addressing the influencer craze without going overboard with it. Garcia's direction works well with the film's editing, and this is a tightly shot flick, although Bulgaria makes a lousy substitute for the Lone Star state- I'm a fourth generation born Texan, and know my birth state pretty well.

The problem here is, of course, the script. Characters not only make bad decisions, they make idiotic decisions that literally get themselves and others killed. While some of them evolve and put up a fight against Leatherface, they also open themselves up to their own demise because if they didn't, the movie would be even shorter. The gore and violence is over the top, and I was very surprised that it got an (R) rating. The special effects are very well done, but also very convincing, to the point that this isn't a "fun" horror film. "Terrifier" was also a gory slasher/horror film, but it had tension and suspense. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has little tension, and viewers instead asking aloud "why did they just do that?!". One set-piece on a bus was probably set up as the be-all-end-all of gruesome mass murder, but it becomes a nihilistic exercise in tedium. In this day and age, it's sad that we've become so numb, this is considered entertainment to be "enjoyed" again and again, considering that the original film, aside from one of the greatest titles of all-time, wasn't as gory as you would expect, or remember.

I think it's okay to finally put this franchise to rest, this debuted on streaming because of some disastrous pre-release screenings, so don't look for it on physical media anytime soon. I didn't hate it as much as some viewers and critics did but I guess I'm old school, looking for the horror in my horror films. (* 1/2) out of five stars.

Contains very strong physical violence, strong gun violence, very strong gore, profanity, mild sexual references, very strong adult situations, alcohol use.

*Get a physical copy of "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" (1974) on Amazon here*

Watch Out for Snakes!: "Eegah" (1962)

I have a confession. Since 1993, I have seen one of the worst films ever made at least two dozen times, and yet I've only seen it twice.

Decades ago, I sat down to the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" riff of "Eegah." I was laughing so hard, I couldn't catch my breath, and had to watch it again right away for all the lines I missed. I've watched that episode constantly since then, it's like comfort television, and eventually I could say the lines along with Joel and the Bots, with "watch out for snakes!" eventually entering the series' canon.

I did see the film sans riffing a few years ago, but when The Film Detective released a limited edition Blu-ray with a crisp print of the film, interviews with Arch Hall, Jr. and Joel Hodgson, AND the MST3K episode, I knew I had to grab it. Watching the original film today...yeah, it's still pretty awful...

Roxy (Marilyn Manning) lives in a Palm Springs country club with her "adventure book" writing dad (director/writer Arch Hall, Sr.). She's dating Tom (Arch Hall, Jr.), and almost runs into a giant caveman (eventually named Eegah) played by Richard Kiel in one of his first roles. Roxy's dad goes to investigate the giant's desert whereabouts, is captured, and Roxy and Tom also head into the desert to look for the missing link and the missing dad.

Everything you've heard is true. The post-production sound and film editing are a tornado of ineptitude. While I was laughing through the film because I have the MST3K episode memorized, I was also laughing at the weird dubbing, odd soundtrack, and non-acting. Arch Hall, Jr. belts out a few songs that aren't half as bad as the collective performances and terrible screenplay. It's fun to see how much was edited out of the film to fit the time parameters of the series, Eegah's pawing of Roxy is pretty uncomfortable. There are a few other cut scenes here and there, all of which could have been left in and riffed if not for time constraints.

Arch Hall, Jr. seems to have a sense of humor about the film these days. He became a professional airline pilot, and looks back at all this with a certain fondness, especially when you consider that his father co-wrote and directed the film. "Eegah" isn't as bad as "Ax 'Em," "Can't Stop the Music," or "Asylum of Terror," but it is pretty bad. (*) out of five stars.

This film is unrated by the MPAA but contains physical violence, mild gun violence, and mild gore.

*Get a physical copy of "Eegah" on Amazon here*

RomComNonGood: "Alex & Emma" (2003)

This romantic comedy from the beginning of the millennium's rom-com craze is as cringeworthy as many of its competitors.

Alex (Luke Wilson) is a blocked writer living in Boston. He owes the Cuban Mafia $100,000, and can pay it if he produces a novel in thirty days. He hires Emma (Kate Hudson) as a stenographer, the two get to work, and get closer to one other. We see Alex's story dramatized onscreen, where his main character Adam (Luke Wilson) is living a parallel life to Alex, in pursuit of Polina (Sophie Marceau), with an au pair (Kate Hudson) completing the love triangle. Both uncompelling stories go through their respective stages, offering up no surprises or suspense.

I had a huge problem with the film because it was so unchallenging. Alex is a jerk, and until the climax, doesn't change. Emma is supposed to be mousy, I think, but Hudson is given nothing to do. Their back-and-forth over the book was a bore. The dramatization of Alex's story wasn't any better. Alex says that his book about a man with commitment issues would be funny, and I spent the entire film waiting for the "funny" to happen. The running time was ninety-six minutes, and the film is both rushed and badly edited. Leachman has a single scene, and an unrecognizable Taylor delivers one or two lines. Check out the opening scene, where the Cubans dangle Alex off a building- I could have shot better special effects on my phone in the backyard.

Reiner has made some excellent films in the past, I was a fan of "Misery" and "Stand By Me," but his directorial talent has taken a hit. I'm sorry I had the misfortune of pulling this from a pile of DVDs and watching it. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Alex & Emma" on Amazon here*

Hong Kong Goodbye: "Stanley Beloved" (1998)

Kevin (Wes Wong) is a mixed race teen who is being shipped off to an English boarding school away from his best friend James (Oliver Williams) and his beloved Stanley section of Hong Kong. Not much happens, their possible homosexual relationship is only hinted at, but the locations and great editing save this from being just another coming of age story. Also known as "Beloved Stanley." (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

Oink?: "Piglets" (1999)

This German film plays like one of those racy foreign ads you see on television clip shows sometimes, and it is very funny if not too short. Two men try to make love as an elderly woman in the next room keeps distracting them with normal things like loud music...and a giant drill. Definitely oddball, but I thought it was different enough. The second best film on the "Boys Briefs" collection. Also known as "Ferkel." (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

I'll Be Brief: "Boys Briefs" (1999)

Six short films about homosexual awakening are gathered together in one easy to manage collection. Some are good, some are not, and the two hosts, picked primarily for their cutie pie looks, annoy immediately. The six films are reviewed individually:

The Absolution of Anthony (Directed by Dean Slotar) Anthony (Joe Quintero) lives with his grandfather (Carlos Rafart), makes obscene phone calls, pines for basketball playing Joe (Gary Cohen), and is the focus of concern for Father Carson (Victor Garber). This ends abruptly, there are too many close-ups, and I am still not sure what Slotar was trying to say. (3/5*)

Smear (Directed by Sam Zalutsky) Davey (Marc Fratello) pines for his straight friend Frank (Steven Amato), who prefers to spend time with girlfriend Jennie (Liat Goldman). The three goof around at a local park, before Davey commits a startling act of violence. Again, more film would have helped, Fratello looks a lot like Hilary Swank from "Boys Don't Cry," and this ends without moving me one way or another. (3/5*)

Front Room (Directed by P.Y. Clouin) A guy licks an unknown body part, which turns out to be his bicep, for under a minute. What film festival would take this kind of one-joke material over films that might have something to say? Dumb. (1/2*/5*)

Fairy Tale (Directed by David Kittredge) This is by far the best of the compilation. Partners Todd (Terrance Flynn) and Eric (Eric M. Cole) go to Todd's hometown to visit his mother Eleanor (Paula Roth) on his birthday. Eleanor dislikes Eric, despite his best efforts, and Todd does something that angers his loving partner, as well. While some of the dialogue is too soap operatic (Eleanor will never have grandkids, Todd can't have sex in his parents' house), Flynn and Cole have such a good chemistry that I could believe them as a couple. There are some weird "Little Red Riding Hood" allegories at work here, but this is the better of the six films. (4/5*)

Piglets (Directed by Luc Feit, Marcus Sauermann) This German film plays like one of those racy foreign ads you see on television clip shows sometimes, and it is very funny if not too short. Two men try to make love as an elderly woman in the next room keeps distracting them with normal things like loud music...and a giant drill. Definitely oddball, but I thought it was different enough. (4/5*)

Stanley Beloved (Directed by Simon Chung) Kevin (Wes Wong) is a mixed race teen who is being shipped off to an English boarding school away from his best friend James (Oliver Williams) and his beloved Stanley section of Hong Kong. Not much happens, their possible homosexual relationship is only hinted at, but the locations and great editing save this from being just another coming of age story. (3/5*)

The video's hosts, Michael Saucedo and Jason Tobin, make unfunny jokes about the flicks while walking around L.A.'s Melrose Avenue. They bring nothing to the table, I would have liked to know more about the film makers instead of watching these two. "Boys Briefs" is a mixed bag, and I will give it an average rating. I will recommend it on the strength of some of the films, and with this many shorts, someone is bound to find something. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

Going Home: "Fairy Tale" (1998)

This is by far the best of the DVD compilation "Boys Briefs". Partners Todd (Terrance Flynn) and Eric (Eric M. Cole) go to Todd's hometown to visit his mother Eleanor (Paula Roth) on his birthday. Eleanor dislikes Eric, despite his best efforts, and Todd does something that angers his loving partner, as well. While some of the dialogue is too soap operatic (Eleanor will never have grandkids, Todd can't have sex in his parents' house), Flynn and Cole have such a good chemistry that I could believe them as a couple. There are some weird "Little Red Riding Hood" allegories at work here, but I still recommend it. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

No: "Front Room" (1997)

A guy licks an unknown body part, which turns out to be his own bicep, for under a minute. What film festival, LGBTQ+ or not, would take this kind of one-joke material over films that might actually entertain or have something to say? Dumb, and the worst film in the "Boys Brief" DVD short film compilation. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

'Yes, I would just like to say I'm sailing with the rock, and I'll be back, like Independence Day, with Jesus. June 6, like the movie. Big mother ship and all, I'll be back, I'll be back.': "Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer" (1992)

Nick Broomfield's documentary on Aileen Wuornos is a compelling piece that might turn your stomach.

Shot in 1992, Aileen Wuornos was on death row in Florida for the murders of seven men, claiming she killed them all in self-defense. She was adopted by born-again Christian Arlene Pralle, represented by flamboyant and flaky lawyer Steven Glazer, and pleaded no contest to the crimes, guaranteeing a stay on death row many times over. When this film was shot, Wuornos was portrayed in the media as pure evil, and a TV movie starring Jean Smart as Aileen and Park Overall as her lover Tyria Moore debuting around that time confirmed everyone's fear.

Just trying to get in to see Wuornos proves to be a challenge for Broomfield. He had to pay both Arlene and Steven, and observed an ever despondent Wuornos growing angry in court and screaming obscenities at the judge and potential juries. While this video fodder proves Wuornos was a crazed serial killer, Broomfield finds out more and more facts that may indicate Wuornos was railroaded into the electric chair that would eventually execute her in 2002.

First of all, Aileen Wuornos killed over half a dozen men. On the other hand, her first victim was convicted of attempted rape of another woman and spent time in prison for it. Maybe there was some truth to at least part of Wuornos' story? She admits to Broomfield that both Arlene and Steven are her friends because they saw an easy way to make a buck, all hidden behind charity. Watching Arlene defend Wuornos' death penalties because her adopted daughter would get to "go home to Jesus" is both condescending and chilling. Glazer is a former musician who treats the Wuornos case as a huge lark, telling offensive jokes and stringing Broomfield along so the film maker can cough up some cash, and even then, that does not guarantee the access Broomfield expected. It is ironic that Broomfield must go to Wuornos herself to find out cops on the case also had film production deals going, as did Wuornos' lover, Ty. Early in the investigation, police were looking for two women in association with the murders, yet Ty was never charged as an accomplice or for possessing stolen merchandise. As of this writing, one of Wuornos' victim's remains have never been found.

I sat horrified watching this. The desire to make that big cash, to score that one deal so they could live easy, all took precedence over Aileen Wuornos. I am certainly not defending Wuornos' crimes, but seeing so many people around her try and cash in on her notoriety was truly revolting. She tells Broomfield that Glazer and Arlene convinced her to plead no contest, not knowing they had ulterior motives. Plus, this robbed other film makers of compelling trial scene footage, leaving Arlene and Glazer with exclusive access. It was sad to see Wuornos pin all her hopes on Broomfield, talking of taking her case to the Supreme Court, when in fact she was electrocuted in 2002. What this film does is confirm everything Aileen Wuornos thought of the world. Everybody was against her- her one true love turned her in- no wonder the woman was so angry. Throw in mother abandonment at three years of age, and her father killing himself in prison (for sodomizing a child) when she was seven, alcoholism, molestation, a child given up for adoption, suicide attempts, sexual assault, homelessness, prostitution, a system that completely let her down, and it seems this woman never had a chance and her mental illness bloomed and thrived (my review title is her last words before her execution). Maybe serial killers aren't born, but made? There's a ton of material about Wuornos out there, including a follow-up Broomfield documentary, Charlize Theron's Academy Award winning turn in "Monster," books, true crime show episodes, poems, music, and more. The bar she was arrested at is a morbid tourist attraction, you can see where she used to sleep when she was too drunk to leave. She's as infamous as other male murderers in the true crime and serial killer subculture- Bundy, Gacy, Ramirez, BTK- and yet her victims are as anonymous as her counterparts'.

Aileen Wuornos is dead and gone, but someone out there is still making money off her name. As a society, we don't learn from the story of Aileen Wuornos, we point and blame from our keyboards and phones (much like I'm doing now), and then wait for the next horrible event to happen so we can start all over again. WE betrayed Aileen Wuornos, and in a way, she had her psychotic revenge. I say this about many criminals- this damaged person needs to be studied, not celebrated, so we can learn from her. Terrible crimes still happen today, obviously, but lets learn from Aileen Wuornos and her victims Richard Mallory, David Spears, Charles Carskaddon, Peter Siems, Troy Burress, Dick Humphreys, and Walter Antonio, and try better. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer" on Amazon here*

Shorted: "Smear" (1998)

Davey (Marc Fratello) pines for his straight friend Frank (Steven Amato), who prefers to spend time with girlfriend Jennie (Liat Goldman). The three goof around at a local park, before Davey commits a startling act of violence. Again, more film would have helped, Fratello looks a lot like Hilary Swank from "Boys Don't Cry," and this ends without moving me one way or another. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

Absolutely: "The Absolution of Anthony" (1997)

Anthony (Joe Quintero) lives with his grandfather (Carlos Rafart), makes obscene phone calls, pines for basketball playing Joe (Gary Cohen), and is the focus of concern for Father Carson (Victor Garber). This ends abruptly, there are too many close-ups, and I am still not sure what director Slotar was trying to say. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Briefs" on Amazon here*

Slow Ride: "Hitch" (2000)

Two men (Drew Wood and Jason Herman), one gay and one possibly gay, drive around in a Volkswagen bus in the desert and try to generate some sexual tension. This film had a great aged look to it, but the overuse of closeups was jarring, and then it began to bore me. The two leads were good, but the script felt too light. The weakest film on the "Boys Life 3" collection. (* * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Life 3" on Amazon here*

Batons: "Majorettes in Space" (1996)

From France, this mockumentary ties in one heterosexual couple, one gay man, the production of condoms, the Pope, and the obvious fact that when a Cosmonaut calls his wife a "fat cow," he is using a metaphor. This is a very fast and freaky collection of images, and it not only works, but makes some kind of sense. Fourier is making a statement about AIDS and protecting oneself sexually, but he does not take his point and belabor it. (* * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "Boys Life 3" on Amazon here*

My Reviewing Sacrifice: "Greatest Heroes of the Bible" {"Abraham's Sacrifice" Episode #2.6} (1979)

It is hard to believe these film makers could take a compelling Biblical story like Abraham's sacrifice of his only son and turn it into a tedious made-for-television mess.

Gene Barry is Abraham, who must face the local evil King Herabol (Andrew Duggan) for trying to steal his flock of sheep. Abraham accidentally kills the king's son in the dullest action scene ever committed to film. Abraham's wife, Sarah (Beverly Garland), is barren, so he fathered a son with Egyptian slave Hagar (inexplicably played by Lainie Kazan). Hagar and her uncle, Zingar (Ross Martin), decide to plot against Abraham and his wife so Hagar's son Ishmael (Tiger Thompson) can inherit the flock of sheep. Three angels visit Abraham and announce Sarah will be pregnant with a son. The three angels also promise to return when the boy is born, and yet we never see them again. Sarah has a boy, Isaac (Brian Erickson), and Hagar and Ishmael are banished out of the tribe, with nothing more than some bread, water, and a hopeful narration proclaiming how wonderful things turn out for Ishmael. Zingar kidnaps Isaac, Isaac is saved by Abraham with a little help from God, and the final nail biting thirty seconds are devoted to God's requirement that Abraham sacrifice his beloved son.

Ouch. Gene Barry is good as Abraham, all beard and flowing robes. The rest of the cast tries, but they would not make it through your average junior high school tryouts for "Our Town." The "action" here is terribly choreographed. The direction is insipid and borders on inane. The screenplay is full of flowery, Biblical-sounding language, but fails the cast by taking the familiar story and turning it into a bad episode of "Knots Landing." This was filmed on location in Page, Arizona, and obviously in the middle of winter, since even in interior scenes the actors' breath is visible. The special effects are a joke, consisting of old stock footage. Clocking in at fifty minutes, this feels twice as long.

This is an episode in a mini-series entitled "Greatest Heroes of the Bible," and I can only hope the other episodes are better- but they're not. "Abraham's Sacrifice" is not as heartbreaking as the viewers'. (1/2 *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of the complete "Greatest Heroes of the Bible" collection on Amazon here*

UnTaken: "A Walk Among the Tombstones" (2014)

After "Taken," I imagine Liam Neeson cannot talk on a telephone without someone with him laughing. In this film, he again threatens some bad guys, spitting profanity into the receiver, but his performance will make you care a little more.

Set in 1999, Neeson is Matthew Scudder, an alcoholic former cop who now makes ends meet as an unlicensed private investigator. He is approached by a revenge-seeking drug trafficker (an uneven Dan Stevens) whose wife was kidnapped and assaulted. Even after a ransom was delivered, the abductors (the chilling duo of David Harbour and Adam David Thompson) murdered the woman and left the body to be found. After balking at the case, Scudder takes it on, and begins to investigate similar cases that the police were not able to connect. Scattered amongst his investigation are false leads, a lovely sense of paranoia thanks to Y2K fears, and some fantastic shots of the killer duo stalking their next target.

Writer/director Scott Frank adapts Lawrence Block's novel and turns it into an interesting flick. It is violent and bloody, with plenty of twists, and Neeson does a great job as the main lead. The cocky expression on his face in the opening gun fight is great, and Frank's ability to lead a character through an actual arc with actual growth and change is almost stunning considering the cookie cutter screenwriting that passes today. The supporting cast is very good, with Olafur Darri Olafsson a standout as a cemetery groundskeeper who once helped the killers. His scenes, and exit from the film, are memorable and I had hoped the Academy Awards voters would have remembered him. A few people have taken issue with Scudder's friendship with T.J., a homeless boy played by Brian Astro Bradley. I rolled my eyes at their first scene together, but Frank never takes the relationship between the hero and the boy who emulates him to the annoying heights that brought the excitement of "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" to a full stop in between action set pieces. T.J. is a tough kid, never precocious, and I eventually accepted him. Although Scudder is an alcoholic eight years sober, we thankfully never get the old chestnut scene of him sitting alone in a dive contemplating a cheap drink in front of him. His Alcoholics Anonymous recovery is not just a plot device, it works for him and he dutifully goes to the meetings, repeating his story and weak joke about why he quit while internalizing the real reason he stopped. The NYC setting hearkens back to the bleak urban mysteries of the 1970's, Scudder's grasp of 1999 technology is tenuous, but Frank doesn't make it a punchline. Frank also doesn't let Scudder become a superhero. He investigates, playing some witnesses in order to get the information he needs. The two villains are creepy and evil, their scenes reminded me of Fincher's "Zodiac," until their identities are learned, or at least until they come out into the light. There is no conspiracy that finds its way to the mayor's mansion or anything- sometimes movie mysteries are allowed to be self-contained.

We have seen Scudder before, played by Jeff Bridges in "8 Million Ways to Die," and Lawrence Block has a number of Scudder novels I imagine were ready to get adapted onscreen. Neeson could have found his new franchise, and I wouldn't have minded seeing more of this character. "A Walk Among the Tombstones" was Neeson's strongest work in years, and one of the best films I had seen that year. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of "A Walk Among the Tombstones" on Amazon here*

Book Review: Sons... by Helen Exley

"Sons..." is one of those innocuous little books, the size of your cell phone, you would find at a pharmacy or hospital gift shop that you could buy for that special someone whose birthday you had forgotten.

The little book features nostalgic artwork of little boys, and quotations from famous writers and celebrities as diverse as Plato, Charles Dickens, and Suzanne Somers; Dickens' and Somers' quotes appear on the same page. The champion of the quote quota is Pamela Gray, who gets more credits than anyone else. One bittersweet quote is from persona non grata Bill Cosby, talking about his only son Ennis, who was murdered a year after this little book was released.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of these little gift books all over the country, usually found at grandmothers' homes, and estate or rummage sales (where I found this one in a box of physical media I purchased). Coming in at sixty-four pages, it can be read in one sitting in just a few minutes. The quotes are all fine, some are a little bland with no context, and the best quote by far is from Erma Bombeck. Trust me, I've read worse books, you can always use this to boost your "Books Read" count online. Middling book, middling grade. (* * 1/2) out of five stars.

*Get a physical copy of Sons... on Amazon here*